Shielding Children from Pain: Preventing Parental Alienation through Emotional Resilience
After three years of vexatious litigation by opposing counsel, and cutting off all contact with my sons for three months at the end of three years of on and off contact due to false allegations and in spite of a court order, I settled my divorce on July 17, 2024 to re-establish some kind of contact with my sons.
I agreed to supervised visitations at a facility two hours Saturday and two hours Sunday with no contact in between except a fifteen minute video call mid-week in order to re-establish contact. A third psychological report was demanded even though the first two showed nothing wrong with me except PTSD - trauma related disorder from abuse. So a third psych report I did along with six months of weekly therapy. Those were the stipulations of being able to re-establish having my sons on weekend overnights again.
That time frame ends January 17th.
Although I’m extremely outspoken on social media about the abuse of their father, you’ll notice I do not mention him by name. That was also a stipulation of the decree.
My children see me happy and joyful when I’m in their presence. I may break down and completely fall apart when I leave the facility but god forbid if I cause my children any additional pain than the now nearly twelve years of suffering we’ve all endured at the hands of their father and narcissistic grandmother who has them living in her basement with their father.
Instead, I AM MY CHILDRENS ROCK AND STRENGTH. They see me a resilient immovable force in spite of our situation of being coercively controlled, they gain strength from the strength they see in me.
THIS IS HOW MY CHILDREN GREET ME EVERY TIME THEY ARRIVE AT THE FACILITY.
As hard as their father tries to break our bond with his alienating tactics, my bond I established as their primary attachment figure and all the time we spent together during their formative years will not be forgotten.
Your children’s bond with you is deeper than you think.
BUT, In order to retain that bond, you must learn how to be their source of peace and freedom when their home life is a battlefield full of anger and conflict-they can’t handle any more with you. It causes dissociation in your children which is too painful to endure so they disconnect completely to avoid the pain.
Becoming your children’s source of joy and strength is what will rebuild your broken bond piece by piece over time. They are fully aware of what’s going on. It’s an unspoken but fully understood experience you both share. Understand how difficult the trauma bonding you also experienced during your marriage was for you and understand how difficult it was for you to break free of it. Understand it’s harder for them. Be their peace. Be their joy. Be their strength.
Understanding your child’s decision to distance themselves is not about you but about shielding themselves from further pain.
Parental alienation, a phenomenon where one parent manipulates a child into rejecting the other parent, often involves complex psychological dynamics such as Stockholm Syndrome and trauma bonding. At the heart of these dynamics lies the child’s perception of suffering and conflict, which can be profoundly influenced by the behavior of the targeted parent. By shielding children from visible pain and conflict, a targeted parent can help prevent alienation from taking hold and foster a secure bond.
The Role of Suffering in Parental Alienation
When a child observes the targeted parent visibly suffering—whether through sadness, frustration, or despair—it can create a psychological burden. Children often internalize their parents’ emotions and may begin to associate their presence with feelings of guilt, anxiety, or helplessness. To alleviate their own discomfort, children may align with the alienating parent, who appears emotionally stable and free from conflict, even if that stability is rooted in manipulation or abuse.
This alignment is not born of preference but rather as a coping mechanism to escape the emotional turmoil. The child may side with the alienating parent to suppress the pain they feel when witnessing the targeted parent’s suffering. Over time, this can create a rift, as the child increasingly withdraws from the targeted parent to protect themselves from emotional distress.
Stockholm Syndrome and Trauma Bonding in Alienation
Stockholm Syndrome and trauma bonding are psychological responses to abusive dynamics that often arise in cases of parental alienation. In Stockholm Syndrome, the child begins to empathize with and even defend the alienating parent, despite the abusive behavior. This occurs because the child perceives their survival—emotional or otherwise—as tied to the abuser.
Trauma bonding adds another layer to this dynamic. The alienating parent alternates between affection and abuse, creating a cycle of dependency in the child. The child learns to seek approval from the alienating parent, even at the cost of rejecting the other parent. This bond is reinforced when the child perceives the targeted parent as a source of stress or sadness, rather than comfort and safety.
The Importance of Emotional Resilience
To counteract these dynamics, the targeted parent must demonstrate emotional resilience, particularly in the child’s presence. By putting on a “front” of strength, optimism, and joy, the targeted parent creates an environment where the child feels safe and valued.
This approach helps the child:
Separate from Adult Conflict: Shielding the child from visible pain ensures that they do not feel responsible for the targeted parent’s emotional state.
Maintain Positive Associations: If the child experiences enjoyable, conflict-free interactions with the targeted parent, they are more likely to seek out and cherish that relationship.
Rebuild Trust and Security: A resilient, joyful demeanor communicates to the child that the targeted parent is a stable and reliable presence in their life, which can counteract the alienator’s narrative.
Practical Steps for Targeted Parents
Focus on Positive Interactions: Plan activities that prioritize fun, connection, and laughter. Show the child that being with you is a safe and happy experience.
Avoid Discussing Adult Issues: Refrain from talking about the alienation, court proceedings, or any grievances about the other parent. This shields the child from unnecessary stress and conflict.
Model Emotional Strength: While it’s okay to be authentic, save expressions of sadness or frustration for trusted adults or therapy sessions. Show your child that you are strong and can handle challenges without burdening them.
Validate the Child’s Feelings: If the child expresses guilt or confusion, validate their emotions without criticizing the alienating parent. For example, say, “I understand this is hard for you, but I love you no matter what.”
Preventing Alienation Through Positive Bonding
By shielding the child from visible suffering and maintaining a calm, loving demeanor, the targeted parent can mitigate the risk of alienation. This approach allows the child to associate their time with the targeted parent with feelings of safety and joy, rather than conflict or pain. Over time, this can help rebuild trust and strengthen the parent-child bond.
Alienation thrives in environments of conflict and emotional instability. By creating a sanctuary of peace and positivity, the targeted parent not only protects the child from the manipulations of the alienator but also lays the groundwork for a lasting, healthy relationship.
